This is not at all the way it really happened, but I wrote this very short story for a bit of fun.......
"Oh My God, it's him." My best friend Ashley had THAT look on her face, the one she always wears when she is dreaming about her idol, Sean Bean. Like me, Ash is nearly the wrong side of 30 so you would think she was a bit old to moon about a movie star she is never likely to meet. She is always seeing "spitting images" of him in unlikely places and the pub we were in this Friday night was decidedly an unlikely place - for star-spotting or indeed anything else. It was a really old-fashioned boozer on the wrong side of Camden, not exactly an A-lister's go-to-venue. I sighed and looked in the direction she was pointing.
"Oh My God, it's him" I gasped. For once she was right. There, leaning on the bar, was the man of her dreams. She has dragged me through every pub in Camden, Hampstead and everywhere else in North London for years on the off-chance that her hero would be there. And there he was. In the flesh. Alone. Neatly cut light brown hair, simple sweater and shirt over jeans, not as tall as I expected, quietly sipping a pint and reading a paper.
"Well. Now what?" I asked. "What do you mean?" she said. "Ashley, you have dragged me all over the place for years looking for this man, and finally there he is...alone. Go get him!" "Kelly, I can't" she gibbered. "What would I say?" I heaved a big sigh. I had not realised, after all these years, that there would be no Plan B. Surely the girl who knew every line he ever uttered by heart from 'Caravaggio' (1985) to 'Accused' (2012) and every role in between would have a plan B? But no. She just continued to gaze across the room with a silly smile on her beautiful face.
I forgot to mention that, despite being my best friend, Ashley is tall, voluptuous, blonde and beautiful and, give her her due, she does not seem to notice that I am no competition, being short, plump, dark haired and plain. She always behaves as if I am as gorgeous as she is, which is pretty nice of her, all things considered. And we have a great time together when we are not Sean hunting. Of course her fixation is daft. He's too old for her for a start which, added to the fact that he is rich, famous and a serial womaniser (Daily Mail) should mean she hasn't a hope in hell, but...... "Ashley, we have been on that man's trail for 5 years and you simply can't let the moment go without at least going up to him and saying hello. If you won't, I will." She looked at me with horror. "You wouldn't". "Watch me" I snarled and, taking a deep breath, I threaded my way across the crowded pub towards The Man, shaking off her clutching hand and deaf to her wittered pleas of "Noooo, don't...."
I was shaking in my boots but, sod it, this was the culmination of far too many nights of Beanhunting and I was not going to let the quarry escape without a fight. He became aware of a short, tubby, quivering female, clearing her throat right at his elbow and, after a speculative raising of an eyebrow, he turned on me the most devastating smile I have ever seen. It completely winded me and rendered me incapable of speech, so I just stood, gazing and gasping. Finally, after he had politely waited for me to recover the power of speech, he said "Owt wrong, lass?" in a husky voice straight from wildest Yorkshire. I finally knew why Ash was so obsessed, but I was on a mission here. So I took a deep breath and said something along the lines of "I-now-this-must-happen-to-you-all-the-time" and on and on. God, I embarrassed myself. Eventually he raised his hand to stop the flow and said "Keep it simple. You've lost me." So I told him that my best friend Ashley thought he was the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, and could he maybe send her a little wave, and she was just over there, yatter, yatter, yatter... He gave a quiet little sigh, slowly put his paper down on the bar, turned in the direction I was pointing....and let out a strangled yelp. I thought maybe I had trodden on his foot but I can't have, because he was not limping as he walked straight across the pub towards Ashley. And that was the last I saw of either of them.
Ashley did not call me till the following Tuesday, by which time I was worried sick. I had left messages and texts on her mobile and was seriously considering calling the police. After all, the last I had seen of her was sitting in a Camden pub at 9.30 at night FOUR DAYS AGO. "Where the hell have you been? I've been imagining all sorts of horrors and I was just going to call 999. Are you alright?"
"I'm so sorry. I can't really explain. I just didn't notice the time." she said, dreamily.
"Ashley, its been four days! Where on earth have you been?" I was getting shrill. "With Sean" she said. "Whaaat?? Since Friday? Don't be ridiculous." "Don't be angry, Kelly." she begged. "The most amazing thing has happened. When he came over to me on Friday night, he just looked at me, said 'Come on' and we've been together ever since."
And four years on, they are still together. Happy as little larks. They got married last Wednesday.
Me? I am saving up for a ticket to L.A. I might see Viggo Mortensen in a bar - you never know.
A Fine Romance
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